Gosh, I Hope They Come Out with A “Time O’ The Month Barbie”!

***EDITOR’S NOTE: Hello!  Yes, I am also my own editor.  I can’t really blame me for hiring myself for the job, as I’ve known myself for years.  Despite this, I know that I work cheap, and I’ll only hurt myself if I cheat me out of mine.  Anyway, I wrote this originally back in 2016.  It was on my old blog and I realize that like the Donners, I have no qualms about cannibalizing.  The difference is I don’t throw a party for the event.  (Sheesh, those Donners and their need for attention, am I right?) Anyway again, I’ve polished up some of the parts of this due to the layers of waxy buildup it got in the intervening 8 years.  I didn’t go all in for a full restoration as I think the cruddy patina adds a layer of charm regarding my laziness.  Keep in mind this was written before the Barbie movie was even within a whisper of a production start date.  And if I were more relevant, I would have rereleased this around the time that film was in theaters before fading into the ether.  Oh, well.  Enjoy!

Greetings to all of you carbon based life forms that have somehow reached the absolute dregs below the dregs of the interwebnet and ended up here!  All I can say is that you’ve come upon me during a most fortuitous moment in time!  Yes, that’s right!  I just finished reading Martin Short’s autobiography, I Must Say, and I myself must say that it was very charming and well done!  “What does that have to do with this post, you schmuck?” you might ask.   Allow me to reply with confidence, “Absolutely nothing!”  And now you’re angry and feel a possible need to do me bodily harm.  Golly, I wouldn’t blame you whatsoever but hey…since I’ve already brought up bodily harm…

Recently, toy manufacturer Mattel decided to do something that definitely shook the world.  So on a slow news day, when the world paused for about 14 seconds from talking about Pokémon Go, the universe was informed that Mattel is now offering new body types of their long running Barbie® doll.  This even made the cover of the new Time magazine, which no one really reads anymore.  The new body types are going to be “petite”, “tall”, and “curvy”.  Other body types will be offered depending on sales.  Future doll body molds being considered are: “spinster”, “dumpy”, “frumpy”, “98 Cigarettes and a Bottle of Wine a Day”, “Divorced Middle Aged Aunt” and “Angry Taco Bell Night Manager”. 

The world obviously responded with a hearty cheer!  This truly is a remarkable time to be a woman and how empowering this definitely is for women’s empowerment for women!  Definitely!  Yay?  Ahem.  Before we all get caught up in the swell of commentators who will most assuredly comment on this with their commenting comments, allow me to waste your time with a few thoughts on this non-news waste of your time.

When I was a child, I loved action figures.  Still do, much to the chagrin of my wife, but that’s that.  My kids are now reaching an age where they want to play with action figures and toys of all types.  (This means I have an excuse to get more action figures for me, uh I mean, the children to play with.  Yes, the children.  Yep.  Not me.  Nope.  No way.) 

But back in the day when the dinosaurs still roamed the earth, I was a child seeking out a G.I. Joe or a M.A.S.K toy or a Batman action figure.  Now did I seek out a Batman that looked just like my 9-year-old self and represented my then body type?  Nope.  Did I feel slighted because Kenner or Toy Biz didn’t offer such a toy that represented Batman as a 9-year-old?  Not at all.  Did I as a 9-year-old boy want to play with a 9-year-old boy Bruce Wayne toy who had witnessed his Thomas and Martha Wayne toy parents (sold separately) get gunned down by toy Thug #1 and toy Thug #2 (also sold separately) on the Wayne Massacre Playset® (also also sold separately)?  Not a chance.  I wanted the full-blown idealized Batman in all his caped glory, with muscles and a utility belt and a Batmobile, and using all those things to beat the living hell out of the Joker.  Granted, this is rather far from reality, this is a fantasy.  But isn’t that the world where toys should reside?

Do little kids really truly actually want that much reality in their toys?  Does market research prove this?  Is there a profit to be made with having a pudgy Wolverine action figure or a Wonder Woman that is rather petite?  Why own a Superman toy that resembles your dad’s 47-year-old second cousin after his 5^th beer?  Why drag that much reality into the toy world?  After all, my boys think that Thomas the Tank Engine can talk to them.  My daughter thinks that lightsabers are cool and flying dragons exist.  Yes, this is not reality.  But it is fantastical fun, plain and simple.  So why are some folks overreacting to this?  Is this yet another area where oversensitive adults are making up half-assed reasons to ruin kids’ enjoyment overall?

And are there actual, real-life breathing women out there that seriously and sincerely believe that a Barbie doll is a complete morale killer and a ruthless destroyer of self-image?  Of course, as we live in an increasingly whiny society, I’m sure there must be someone out there, but c’mon… Back in the days before the wheel were invented, the girls that I knew that played with Barbie dolls just liked combing her hair and sticking different dresses on her.  I never heard one single lass in 4^th grade say, “Barbie is the ideal image of woman.  Given my socio-economic background and genetic make-up, I simply cannot reach the imaginary bar that was set by Mattel.  Now I will begin hating myself and I won’t stop.  Thanks for nothing Barbie, you tawdry plastic wench!  Get me the woodburning set so I can start making ‘Fun Time Face Scarred Barbie®!”  Gosh, what a fun-hating, dour and melodramatic child! Bet she’s a riot of fun on the 4-Square court.

Perhaps this is another case where boys and girls are wired differently.  Yes, I was a 4^th grade boy at some point in my past.  Yet, even back then, in my heart of hearts, I knew that Han Solo wasn’t a real person, and I couldn’t be him.  Transformers weren’t comingling with real cars in the streets of my hometown.  The odds of Cobra getting a fully operational weather machine were astronomical, especially if Snake Eyes was there to stop them.  And yet despite this, I still played with the toys even as these thoughts infiltrated my imagination.  Given this whole Barbie thing, I must conclude that my peers who were little girls at some point thought that Strawberry Shortcake lived in a nearby garden patch, She-Ra was just an ocean away, and Jem and the Holograms would someday deserve a modern-day retelling in film form because their story was so compelling?

And who pray tell is supposed to be the ideal audience for these new Barbie toys?  Does little Sally Jo really want to be reminded that the kids pick on her shorter height when you give her a petite Barbie?  What kind of cruel grandmother does that?  Isn’t it bad enough that despite having no basketball skills, the suddenly 6ft tall in 6^th grade girl is not only forced to get on the team but also goes through the indignity of being handed a tall Barbie from her unthinking aunt to act as an eternal plastic totem of an unpleasant reminder of the sudden pre-teen growth spurt she experienced?  Thanks a lot Aunt Lorraine, you cruel mistress! 

Ye gods why is something so simple being overthought and ruined?  Are there little boys on the chubby side that refuse to play with Batman toys, only seeking out Penguin figures because they identify with him instead?  Nope.  Let me share with you the idea that if there are problems in your child’s life, chances are that the Spider-Man Lego set had nothing to do with it.  If your daughter is at an emotional crossroads and her fragile ego takes everything personally, this is known as puberty and the Barbie playset had nothing to do with it.  Take a step back.  Enjoy the fresh air.  Leave Superman and Barbie and the rest to be their stylized fantastical selves.

What’s next?   Perhaps we could have Colorforms that depict real life burn victims.  Why not have spayed Thundercats or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles infecting kids with salmonella left and right?  Maybe we should have a Simon that consists of the same four colors and same four sounds, so kids won’t be taxed or forced to think.  A Rubik’s Cube with six sides of the same color would fit this mold too.  G.I. Joe could be all about enforcing unexciting sanctions sporadically at the whims of an indecisive state department.  I already have a patent on an Easy-Bake oven that shows not only the evils of Monsanto but also the wonders of a gluten-free diet.   

At the end of the day, don’t take away the fantasy from toys.  Little girls don’t need to be reminded of the realities of the human body because they see their true-to-real-life Barbie.  Little boys don’t need to know that holding a sword aloft whilst screaming “By the power of Grayskull!” produces nothing but an echo.  Let the kids be princesses and jedis and let them play.  Little kids don’t need their imaginations stunted and their lives evaluated and validated by the time they are 10.  After all, isn’t that what high school is for?  So let nature take its course and let Barbie retire to her Malibu Dream House without having to worry if the taller version of herself awkwardly fits in her pink and purple Corvette.

By the way, pick up Martin Short’s book! It is a delight.

***EDITOR’S OTHER NOTE: Despite my entreaties back in 2016, all was in vain.  We have become a society of mollycoddling doorknobs.  All I know is that no matter how much the world changes around us, I can always be assured of two things: 1) Thank the Lord that I am Gen X.  We are the last reality check in a mixed-up topsy turvy world.  We are the backbone.  We are the cynical, eye-rolling, sarcastic saviors in a world gone crazy.  Yes, we are quieter than the Boomers and the Millennials and whatever came after them.  But I love that about us.  As the philosopher Denis Leary once said, “Life sucks, get a helmet.”  That is Gen X philosophy to the core.  Now get me my flannel! 

And 2) M.A.S.K. was the best boys’ toy line of all time.  It just was.  Stow your M.U.S.C.L.E. figures or your Power Rangers, M.A.S.K. had great tactile action, a variety of colorful and engaging toys, and a fun cartoon.  And unlike any competitor toy lines of that same vintage, to date M.A.S.K. hasn’t been revived, which is fine with me.  It is the lone item from my past that hasn’t been ruined with a retelling in a modern garbage slant.  Simple good versus evil with a Jeep that had secret jet boat!   It also has a Camaro that can fly, a GTO that turns into a tank, and the coolest semi tractor ever made.  The befuddled powers that be can go ahead and ruin He-Man and Voltron and all the rest, but M.A.S.K.?  Keep the hell away!