Yes, dear readers, even with all this vaccine hullabaloo falderal and gibberish, I have scoured the globe relentlessly, looking to bring you the most accurate and overbearing science information available today. These findings on how the war is being wagered on how to defeat the never-ending and ultimate menace of Covidia® are as up to date as humanly possible…starting…now! Wait, no…now! Now! Well, you had better start reading as this research is obviously ever-evolving.
1) Binging Copious Amounts of Full House.
Hastily funded research has shown that forcing oneself to watch large amounts of Full House is an 85% effective way to halt the spread of the Covidia® virus by 48% and in some cases 49%. The science behind and just to the left of this states that when one consumes Full House in higher than acceptable levels, a person actually makes themselves preventatively ill.
This means that your immune system has been put on high alert and is actively on the defense. White blood cells become genuinely concerned for your well-being. Your brain starts to become numb due to the influx of pain-combating chemicals that are naturally produced when one is pressed to imbibe that much Jodie Sweetin at once. Given these triggered defensive barriers, the virus never has a chance to gain a foothold.
To clarify, this research exclusively used Full House, not Fuller House. The investigative team only concentrated on the original show, so the data only reflects that program. To that end, Fuller House’s lack of the Olsen Quotient to shore up immunity was also devastating. By throwing in the variable of an Incredibly Late Sequel Series (ILSS), the baseline becomes skewed and safety cannot be guaranteed. In some cases, the physical trauma received by the initial test subjects was even worse than not only having the virus, but was worse than even thinking about it as well.
2) Do Not Leave a Forwarding Address when Moving.
The Guy Gadbois Institute of Lower Manitoba has proven that the Covidia® virus is relentless, following someone wherever they go. However, by physically moving permanently from your home and failing to leave a change of address, the virus becomes confused. It grows incredulous with ever-increasingly sluggish reactions as you make your getaway to your new home.
More often than not, the virus will be frustrated and won’t seek out your location information beyond surreptitiously asking a few shared friends on Messenger as to your whereabouts. Stymied, it will then move on, a bit wiser, begrudgingly acknowledging that it was bested by your cunning plan.
(I would be far and away beyond remiss if I failed to mention that research has also shown that some virus strains have been known to pay upwards of $49.95 to have 3rd party websites and platforms dig up court and legal records in an effort to find out where subjects had relocated. The scientists at the Guy Gadbois Institute determined that these strains were not only outliers but creepy stalkers as well.)
3) Read and Believe Everything On Social Media.
Dr. Rex Flostram and his wife, Drs. Marcy Linflendahl in their pioneering volume Engorged: Why Every Post & Link Matters, make the argument that since human beings typically only use half of an eighth of a percent of their brains, there is quite a lot of absorbent space. This indicates that humans have plenty of available mental real estate to take in voluminous volumes of social media links, posts, comments, tweetlings, stories, pictures, and little emoting faces. By trusting every single one of them, virus preventative endorphins are released chemically within the body. (In some rare cases, endolphins were released as well. However, they were kind to their human hosts and performed various feats for buckets of fish as a reward.)
Per Dr. Flostram and Drs. Linflendahl, “Sharing these posts without verifying a single character contained within them can only create a combination of satisfaction and an ever-exploding expanse of knowledge. After all, the internet is where we first heard about this phenomenon and look at us now: we published a book. This conclusively means that the study is validated.”
4) The Human Eye Correlation
The Cartevardiyan University Experimental League headed by Professor Volvo Zinnia, has ascertained that the answer to Covidia® might just be found in the human eye. Realizing that the eye consists of the iris, pupil, corona, and retina, Professor Zinnia went right to work. Using various mirrors, lasers, and ophthalmology experts, it was discovered that not only do people have different eye colors but even more remarkably, they also have varying levels of vision abilities.
Plunging further into the depths of what the League termed the “Eyeball Sciences”, more astounding facts were found. However, further analysis had to be halted somewhat due to someone pointing out that the eye has a cornea and not a corona. After this setback, which the League finally called “The Smartyfartypants Butting-In Incident” months later, there is now a reevaluation of the entire project.
5) Preventative Breathing Virus Prevention
Since the virus has been discovered to adhere to people’s breath, much like onions, perhaps breathing prevention could hold the key. Dr. Dok Docteaur, most recently of Vienna, decided to find out for himself. Wanting to test his theory, he took a group of ten people. Dr. Docteaur then returned the ten people and sought out ten people who voluntarily wanted to go with him. After dividing this group into two groups of five (one set with the virus, one set without it), he then placed airtight plastic bowls over each of the volunteers’ heads.
Recording vitals, blood pressure, and a myriad of horrific facial reactions, Dr. Docteaur came to a remarkable conclusion. Not only did breathing prevention eliminate the virus symptoms in those that were infected, but it also ensured that any healthy person would certainly be able to avoid getting the virus. Unfortunately, Dr. Docteaur has been rather reluctant and in fact quite elusive in sharing not only his findings but also his current place of residence with the authorities.
6) Political Party Affiliation = Virus Avoidance
One’s political beliefs might be the lynchpin in the arch of prevention. From the most socialist pig blindly following their cult of government to the point of betraying one’s neighbors to the state for the “common good”, to the most capitalist swine wanting to greedily pluck the last dollar out of the pockets of the corpses they leave behind in the name of the almighty economy, the Reverend Dr. Noreen Chortled knew that it was worth investigating.
Realizing that one can only have a predetermined political affiliation where one is considered “Left” or “Right” and that no one can ever have a belief that might contain varying shades of multiple political concepts in their makeup, Rev. Dr. Chortled went to work.
After the better part of a week and four days, she concluded that yes, the virus recognizes political parties and a registered voter status is a valuable bellwether in deciding infection rates. Of course, this is also contingent on the available rhetoric one hears spittled out on many platforms. Rev. Dr. Chortled also assured everyone that calling people protesting that the state governments are stomping on their rights through the lack of due process “domestic terrorists” and calling the people that are staying at home due to governor orders “communist lapdogs” is certainly effective. She went on to say that “adding an emotional level of forced guilt topped with a dense layer of holier-than-thou smug onto whatever position you have will stop the virus completely!”
7) Word Elimination Cancels Virus
Northern West Virginia Verbosity Research Analysts Amanda Hirschenbluger and Hiram Ventriss noticed a bizarre spike in confirmed Covidia® cases when in the presence of certain phrase usages. Whenever the sentence “We’re all in this together” was uttered, infection rates noticeably increased. Hirschenbluger and Ventriss postulated that there must be a connection between infection rates and the use of certain phrases and words. After using a microscope, a dictionary, and an even smaller microscope, their findings were incredible.
They determined that each time Covidia® heard the phrase “We’re all in this together”, the virus felt wonderful being included as part of the “all” and “together”. Wanting to maintain this inclusivity, the virus enthusiastically decided to do its part by infecting even more people. Other similar damaging viral effects and reactions were detected whenever the following words and phrases were used: “unprecedented”, “unusual”, “uncertain”, “challenging”, “trying”, “difficult”, “social distancing”, “greater good” and “we will get through this”.
Drastically reducing the use of these words to the point of being entirely silent could make the difference between life and not life. Hirschenbluger concluded, “Given what we know now and now know, do the easiest thing you can do to save a life: just shut up.”