Yes, I know that Thanksgiving hasn’t even happened yet. However, I also know that it is closer to Christmas today compared to yesterday. But soft, the holidays bring forth that most blessed of events: the Hallmark Christmas movies! As long as there are faded 1990s TV stars, boatloads of cheaper snow up in Canada, and the need for contrived holiday love, Hallmark will continue broadcasting these non-nutritional slices of holiday fruitcake. And frankly, I want a slice of that fruitcake!
Since there’s an obviously bottomless pit of eager viewers out there and since new Xmas movies are needed for content, I have decided to get involved in this market. However, my pitches have been summarily rejected by the powers that be! So, Fred Hallmarck-Smythe III, or whatever your name is, now the whole world can see my list of proposed story blurbs for film production development for your network.
Keep in mind that these story ideas are still fluid, given that either some of the proposed stars have inconvenienced everyone by rudely dying or that Candace has jumped ship to star in things are even more syrupy. (Yet these pitches are so golden, she might just return to the ranks of the Gold Crown elite!) Regardless, feedback would be greatly welcomed and appreciated. Or simply mail me a check. Whatever’s easiest.
A Christmas Chance at Hope
Intrepid small-time plumber Chance Wintry is having the hardest time competing with the rival plumbing company in town, Drain On My Parade. But this year at the Christmas Water and Heating Expo, Chance discovers Hope, a plucky and beautiful PVC pipe saleswoman. If they team up to win at Prince Edward Island’s Holiday Plumbing Competition, could they also find love as well? Stars David Schwimmer, Soleil Moon Frye, and Charles Grodin.
The Dozen Elves of Christmas
Up and coming big city fashion designer Melinda Prembergast is finding out that getting stranded and being found half-starved in Tundra, Alberta might not be so awful after all. Romantic hijinks ensue as the twelve Elven brothers vie for her attention through wacky competitions and zany pranks! Who will give the gift of love to Melinda for the holidays? Stars Holly Hunter, Bruce Campbell, and Corbin Bernsen as Sheriff Silverngold.
Getting a Hint of Christmas
Private investigator Dirk Chatterton has seen enough of the hard side of the streets. Escaping to get away from it all in Snowshoe, Quebec, he stumbles upon an intricate web of intrigue and deception…for love! Coquettish Kim Hourglass, the local town pet real estate agent, just knows that the only clues Dirk finds should lead…right to her heart with love! Oh, and it’s Christmas too! Smotheringly warm romance stars Zach Galligan, Crystal Bernard, and Candace Cameron Bure.
The Crime of Christmas Joy
Even a crime spree doesn’t dampen the Holiday magic! Notorious gang leader Waxen Wroth and his band of not-so-merry men descend upon the sleepy hamlet of Mistletow, Northwest Territories. There they find themselves on the run…from fun and love! If they thought they could dampen the Christmas spirit during the town’s cookie decorating fair, they had another thing coming. Stars Eric Roberts, Candice Cameron Bure, and Jamie Farr.
Ex-CIA agent Matt Huntsemdown has settled himself down for a long winter’s nap. When out in the town there arose such a clatter…of the parachuting terrorists causing the matter! This sleepy town of Silver Bells, Ontario thought that they only had love and the Miss Candy Cane festival to worry about, but now they have to deal with a heavily armed invading force as well. Can Matt save the town and Christmas too? Stars Dolph Lundgren, Sissy Spacek, and William Atherton.
Cat Librarian Felix wonders if he’ll ever find love again. Meanwhile feline interpreter Bernice thinks that true love is nothing but a sham. When they both accidentally meet in Purrsville, Nova Scotia due to the number of cats in town, can the cats help the cats find cats and cats? Meow indeed this Christmas! Starring Delta Burke, Dirk Benedict, and a host of furry fuzzy feline friends!
A Christmas Treat of Love
Ice cream vendor Charlie Cuthbertson attempts to ply his trade after his truck breaks down in Garland, Manitoba. But frozen dessert entrepreneur Misty Slidewhistle isn’t about to give up her iron grip on the product that made her family’s fortune. Perhaps a winner at the Holiday Paddle Pop contest can set things right. Can Charlie melt her heart with love this Christmas? Stars Andrew McCarthy, Candice Cameron Bure, and Reginald VelJohnson.
When Merry Christmason, a motivated and beautiful salt salesperson, tries to get the town of Coldernhell, Saskatchewan to buy several mountainloads of her top of the line product, everything points to a big holiday sale. But local farmer Clint Gristle knows that the ancient ways of covering icy roads with dirt shouldn’t be forsaken. Perhaps finding love and romance and love will convince these two to meet? Stars Angela Bassett, Freddie Prinze Jr., and John Schneider.
A Hanukkah for Christmas
Travelling rabbi Abe thinks he’s found the perfect place to live when he stumbles upon the sleepy town of Icestorm, Newfoundland. The local café owner, Lorinda MacPherson, a non-denominational, nondescript, vague church member is serving welcoming love and delicious pie! Will Abe and Lorinda cross over barriers and enjoy the whimsy of the season? Stars Jackie Mason and Gena Rowlands.
Multi-billionaire Bruce leads a double life that directly impacts administrative assistant Selina, who is also leading a double life! Will their actions and love upset the plans of Oswald, a possible mayoral candidate? Is Oswald just a pawn in Selina’s boss Max’s schemes too? Having this all happen at Christmas can either bring disaster or joy for the holidays. Let’s hope that everything gets resolved at the frozen zoo in the city! Stars Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito, and Christopher Walken.
Mary and Joseph: A Christmas Tale
Charming firefighter Mary Josephson can put out any fire, except the one that burns in her heart with love for Joe Marion, the best florist that the little quirky town of Stocking Stuffer, Nunavut has ever seen! Will there be sparks that fly between these two at the 19th Annual Christmas Jamboree and Chili Cook-off? Or will ex-boyfriend Slade Cudgel try to turn on the overhead sprinklers and douse Mary’s passion and water Joe’s flowers? Stars Candace Cameron Bure, Ricky Schroder, and Chris Isaak.
Despite the cease and desist order, I would like to thank Hallmark for this opportunity. These proposals are still somewhat flexible for whatever adjustments are needed for a successful production. I’ve also allowed for as many former Full House cast members as the good folks at Hallmark see fit!
Just thought I’d sweetin you up on these ideas! (Sweetin?! Another delightful pun!) Merry Christmark from Hallmas!