There’s Something Rotten at Rotten Tomatoes with Captain Marvel

(Gosh, I can’t believe that Disnarvel is finally doing a follow-up to this movie!  Anyway, as a mere child, I wrote this back in 2019 and now that a sequel that no one asked for, starring people that no one really cares about, is maybe perhaps coming out some time, I thought I’d resurrect this fond memory.  I’m going to update/reedit as I see fit or not with me now commenting on my commentary with some inconvenient asterisked footnotes!  Anyway, enough of my prattling since there is way too much prattle already in this cock and bull world.  On with my rewarmed leftovers talking about creative comment hindering over at a movie site that I don’t frequent!  You’re welcome!)

I began the day with the immediate inspiration to exercise and the even faster dismissal of such a ludicrous idea.  Instead, I picked the healthier choice to plunk myself down at the computer.  I had just rewatched the trailer for the forthcoming Shaft movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Richard Roundtree and was entertained mightily.  Based on the entertainment value of that trailer alone, I think that it will be the best picture of the year.  Let’s face it, it’ll probably already have the best soundtrack too.*   I wanted to share this opinion with others that inhabit the interwebnets and so I went to Rotten Tomatoes to acknowledge that I, a mere possible audience member, wanted to see Shaft.

But alas and alack!  The ability to say that I wanted to see a movie on the website was…gone?!  No way!  But why?  All this aggregate website does is compile reviews and the vibe of the prospective audience.  Why silence the voice of what the potential box office interest is for a film?  Seems counterproductive.

Doing some digging, well doing no actual digging whatsoever because the talking heads everywhere were rehashing the tired storyline of the party line, I saw that because people had truly voiced their opinion about whether they wanted to see the upcoming Captain Marvel movie or not, Rotten Tomaters shut that feature off.

This is relatively odd.  I had seen the trailer that had Captain Marvel in it and while not earth shattering, it seemed like it was going to be a fun ride.  After all, the story of a superhero origin where a barely teenaged boy shouts out “Shazam!” to transform into a fully grown adult with near immeasurable powers was long overdue.  Captain Marvel has been around since the early 1940s and…oh wait.  That Captain Marvel movie is going to be called Shazam!, isn’t it? Which Captain Marvel was this again?  Damn you, DC and your legal wordsmithing!** 

Ah, so this Captain Marvel flick must be the story of Mar-Vell, the Kree soldier that later became a hero for Earth and then ultimately died courageously, not in battle, but of cancer instead.  He was a great character in the Marvel Universe and a fitting addition to the roster of superh…what?  Not him?  Hm.  I thought Marvel wanted more space-based adventures.  I mean the Guardians of the Galaxys were hits.  Interesting.*** 

They must therefore mean Monica Rambeau, the African-American woman that possesses fantastic energy powers.  She later became a member of the Avengers and even led the team.  Truly an inspirational character!  I must say that Marvel Studios, going off the success of Black Panther, is leading the progressive way, having a strong woman of color be the focus of their forthcoming Captain Marvel film.  It is only natural that she takes over the leadership of the team since so many of the characters are leaving after Avengers: Endgame.  Bravo, Marvel Studi…what?  It isn’t her either?  But that would be a natural.  I thought we were trying to be enlightened. Rambeau is a great…no?  Hm.  Who are they going with?****   

Nevermind.  I saw the trailer finally.  They’re going with that Captain Marvel?  So, Carol Danvers is going to be the new powerhouse of the Marvel Universe.  Huh.  Sure, okay.  I guess.  I’m glad that despite so many failed comic series, the character gets a shot at the big screen.  But the trailer seems rather…well, meh compared to other Marvel trailers.  I mean Samuel L. comes off just fine, he always does, but beyond that?  Even by pigeonholing it within the genre of female superhero trailers, Wonder Woman blows it away.*****  Nah, I’m not interested.  Oh, well.

But nowadays I can’t just be “Oh, well.” about not wanting to see certain movies.  Apparently, this means that I’m a hateful toxic troll of an individual because I’m not interested in seeing something I am supposed to be.  At least this is the tack that Rotten Tomatoes is taking regarding the lack of interest being shown towards Captain Marvel.  The site then goes ahead and eliminates the feature where you can leave an observation if you’re interested in seeing a movie or not.  Being an aggregate website for opinions, this makes it extremely curious if not flat out hypocritical that they are going with this silencing approach.

However, I understand RotTom’s point of view.  After all, they don’t want to spoil their industry connections with powerhouses such as Marvel Studios which of course means Disney.  I’m sure RottyTom-Toms meant well when it started, but now they have influence, and they hold sway so the game changes.  Hollywood butters you up and the objectivity melts away.  I mean even Barnes & Noble has a Rotten Tomatoes Fresh section in their media area.  Think that Rotten Tomatoes gives that away for nothing?******

I can recognize why Marvel/Disney wants this shut up as well.  Captain Marvel is the character that they are shoehorning into the upcoming Avengers: Endgame.  Disney doesn’t want dislike or disinterest of the solo movie to throw off any Avengers box office receipts.  (As a matter of fact, they don’t even want to use “solo” for this movie because of the recent bad box office connotations associated with that word.)  And if they want this character to be the new Iron Man-like lynchpin of the next Marvel phase of films, silencing opposition, no matter how trivial, is in their business interests.******* 

Now do I depend on Rotten Tomatoes or any other site for reviews of films?  Nope.  I can see a trailer, I can make my own decisions, and I watch what I want to see.  If that movie is horrible, so be it.  If that movie is a winner, so be it.  If that movie stars Pam Grier, we all win.  As anyone who has seen my brobdingnagian movie collection will attest, I watch a lot of genres with a lot of favorites.  My opinions on filmed entertainment are many and varied and here’s the most important part: they are just as valid as anyone else’s.******** 

Sure, I can disagree with someone, but that’s where it ends.  For instance, some may love Big Bang Theory, but it didn’t do anything for me, beyond my being happy it gave Bob Newhart some love and a paycheck.  I think that The Rockford Files is the best detective show ever made, and others can disagree despite being wrong.  (Although I can allow some Magnum P.I. love in my fold on that one.)  I think Jim Brown and Chuck Norris are both great action heroes.  That they weren’t in a movie together is a damn shame because that would have broken all the Cool-o-Meters in the world.*********

By having these opinions, am I a troll?  Am I part of a hateful culture?  Do I live under a bridge, asking riddles?  Well, I might do that last part, but that only makes me a kooky goofball that demands sympathy and not a troll.  But during this wacky day and age, I suppose just having an individual viewpoint on anything makes one a troll.  Whether that opinion is right, wrong, or indifferent, face it: you are a troll.

And that’s it!  I’ve figured out how everyone on the planet will eventually be brought together!  It won’t come from singing “We Are the World” or by watching the last ten minutes of 1997’s Volcano or by chasing after the failure of socialism.  No!  We will finally become a unified human race through our definition that we are all trolls!  The Trollification of Humanity is nigh!  We shall all be ONE!**********

Whew, I feel good about where we all now need to go.  Finally, we are one about the fact that we have opinions.  I’m inspired, I’ll tell you!  Think I’ll go to Rotten Tomatoes right now and let everyone know how much I want to see the new Shaft!  Oh, wait.  That’s right.  Stupid Captain Marvel ruined it all for everyone!  At least Shazam! looks fun though.*********** 

Anyway, enough time nattering about this unimportant falderal of a movie.  Go watch the new Shaft trailer.  Seriously.  Go and do it now.  I’ll wait to finish this post until you get back from watching it.  Go ahead.  I’ll be here.  No worries, just go and see it.  Go!

Okay, are you back?  See it?  Awesome, right?  Looks like a lot of fun, unlike Captain Marvel, which only wishes they had a trailer like Shaft.  Hah hah!  So there!  Take that!  Yeah, those cats named Shaft are some baaaaad motherf…well, you know the rest.  You’re welcome!************

* By the way, did you see it?  Shaft was simply a delightful excursion into badassery that ran out of f*cks to give!

** Tricked you with that first part, didn’t I?  Hah!  Shazam at least was a bit more fun and goofier compared to whatever that was that Disney released.

*** This is getting to be a missed opportunity of galactic consequences.  Mar-Vell is much more compelling.  And kind.  And likeable.

**** Okay, I know that Monica Rambeau is going to be in this sequel, but this is waaaaay too late to the party.  She should have been Cap’n Marbles from the get-go instead of the uninspiring lead they went with.

***** Speaking of a female-led superhero comic book movie that had a dumpster fire of a sequel too…  The difference of course being that Wonder Woman was successful and enjoyed.  Oh, and Gal Gadot is thankfully not Brie Larson.

****** Hm?  Oh, nothing.  I just wanted to see if you’d actually come down here for six asterisks.  I’m impressed and humbled.  Thank you.

******* Thankfully, this never came to pass.  Endgame did just fine at the box office, thank you very much.  And Carol Danvers did not come even close to being Tony Stark.  Come to think of it, having Tony Stark in Captain Marvel would have lent credence to that film.  Good call in avoiding that one and sticking with the webslinger, Mr. Downey Jr, sir! 

******** I just like seeing my footnote agree with my above point.

********* Imagine Firewalker not only being good but being even better with Jim Brown in it!

********** I’m sure Wingdings were invented just to avoid having footnotes with ten asterisks in them, but like an innocent karaoke microphone left turned on in front of your drunken aunt who has an ABBA itch to scratch at your wedding reception, I tempt fate.

*********** I lied.  I never went back to Rotten Tomatoes.  I apologize.  I’m over it.

************ A footnote at the end?!  Yep, I’m that guy.